Monday, February 10, 2014

Greetings Laff Lovers,

One of the girls in the office just turned the big four-oh, and in the weeks preceding the big occasion she decided that she was going to revolutionize her lifestyle. So she put herself on a strict diet and began faithfully going to the gym.

A few of use were standing around her desk as she was describing her success.

"You wouldn't believe the results," she gushed. "I feel so much better and even in just a few weeks I already look better!"

"I bet your husband appreciates it, too!" someone offered.

"He does! The only place he doesn't appreciate me losing is..." she trailed off, glancing down at her rack.

"Just like a man," another one bashed.

"Don't worry," I butted in. "Despite what you read and hear pretty much everywhere, most men are satisfied with a handful."

"Oh, my husband is satisfied with a handful," she replied, "the problem is that he's got really big hands!"

Helpuflly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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SENSITIVE MAN TEST...

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.


2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.


3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.


4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.


5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.


6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.


7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is :

A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.


8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.


9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.


10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate :

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.



Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of your user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'



Recently, while I was working in my yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.

During our friendly conversation, I asked their 12 year-old daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said that she wanted to be the president someday.

Both of her parents were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were the president of the United States, what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give shelter and food to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride!

"Wow... what a great goal!" I replied. "But you don't have to wait until you're the president to do that!" I exclaimed.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go down to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and give him the $50 to use for food and shelter."

She thought that over for several seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work himself and you can pay HIM $50?"

I said... "NOW you're thinking like an American!"

Her parents no longer speak to me.