Thursday, October 31, 2013

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Today is a date of astronomical interest: it's a cross-quarter date, midway between an equinox and a solstice. There are four cross-quarter dates throughout the year, and each is a minor holiday. One is Groundhog Day (Feb. 2nd), another is May Day (May 1st), the third is Lammas Day (Aug. 1st), and the fourth...? Happy Halloween!

So, folks, just like most holidays, Halloween ends up being a holiday that is supposed to appease the spirits to ensure the village that the crops won't wither and be eaten by the Devils. And knowing those wacky Druids, I bet they sacrificed a few of the village hosehounds to the bonfire.

Originally called Samhain (pronounced sow-in), it became Hallowmas once the Christians took over the land and tried, rather unsuccessfully, to rid the people of their Pagan practices.

Anyway, the most interesting part of the Samhain festival was that the town jester was afforded the pleasure of all the village women who remained alive. So, in keeping with that tradition, please email me nude pictures of all the women you have ever met so that I may pick from the lot and pork a few--selflessly in the interest of keeping humanity alive and fed.

Historically,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"May you wander over the face of the earth forever, never sleep twice in the same bed, never drink water twice from the same well, and never cross the same river twice in a year." --Traditional Gypsy Curse



Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex:

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6. It's okay if the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you actually are.

5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. There's a lot less guilt the morning after.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood.



Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood too." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I'll just have a glass of plasma."

The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."



Monster Movie Trivia

Boris Karloff, who starred as Frankenstein, had to wear 22-pound size 24 boots. He also donned two pairs of pants with steel struts shoved in them, and a double-thickness quilted suit.

Karloff's facial makeup was one-sixteenth of an inch thick, and the bolts on the side of his neck left long-term scars.

Bette Davis wanted the part of Mrs. Frankenstein, but was turned down because she was "too aggressive."

Among the lighting tricks in the classic film Dracula: Twin pencil-spotlights were shined in Bela Lugosi's eyes to give Count Dracula his legendary hypnotic stare.

The Castle Dracula and Carfax Abbey sets were so expensive to build that Universal Pictures kept and reused them. You can spot them in numerous Universal films of the '30s.

In Boris Karloff's second big monster flick The Mummy, he had to be wrapped every day in linen and gauze, and was covered with mud.

Lou Chaney, Jr.'s werewolf makeup in The Wolf Man took five hours to apply every day.

The werewolf costume was actually made of yak hair.