Thursday, October 20, 2011

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Luck is a fickle mistress. Take our office football pool for example. Last year I invested five dollars a week, every week, and never won once. Not a single quarter. But so far this year I have won four times! That's over a hundred bucks in winnings.

You know, if my luck holds out a little longer I'll be able to afford a blowjob from my wife.

And before anybody writes in, no, I'm not bitter about my wife charging me for oral sex. It's a lot cheaper than when I used to have to give her jewelry in order to get a hummer.

Economically,

TZ

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Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: mailto:tz@gophercentral.com



"They're really giving this new 'Footloose' movie a big push. We're all familiar with the plot. The elders of a small town ban dancing, and then the youth rise up and kill them and clog dance on their heads." -Craig Ferguson



Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

And never under any circumstances expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

(F.Y.I. guys--cumin is a spice and not a bodily function)



A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said, "How can you tell them apart?"

He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."



*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***
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A guy goes into U.S. Postal Service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and you might as well plan on starting at 10:00 am every Day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in You coming in for that."