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Thursday, May 18, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I was just thinking to myself, as I poured over my laughable checking account balance, that I could never be unfaithful to my wife, even if I wanted to.

I can barely afford a house, a wife and three kids. I'd never be able to afford a mistress. I don't know how guys who cheat do it!

If women are anything they're expensive, especially women who know you need them more than they need you. My wife, for example, knows not to expect any money out of me, but then she has to have sex with me by law.

I guess I can't complain too much, because historically every woman who has actually desired to have sex with me (at least until they found out I let the horses out of the barn pretty quick) ended up costing me something. Like friends, wild nights out, and several mega doses of antibiotics.

I sure miss that girl.



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"Ride hailing service Uber will now allow users to save addresses other than home or work for quick access in the app. So, get ready to get caught!" -Seth Meyers

"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"

Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"

"I'll say. What was the occasion?"

"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."

"Mother's Day is this weekend. Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. I saw that a strip club in Las Vegas is offering a dinner special. When asked what they do for Father's Day, the strippers said, 'What are fathers?'" -Jimmy Fallon


1. Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.

2. Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3. My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

4. If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

5. You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

6. I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

7. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this here cheap motel room.

8. Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

9. If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

10. Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

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