Monday, March 5, 2012

Greetings Laff Lovers,

As parents, the major part of our duty is to prepare our children for successful adulthood. That is not easy. One does not know at what stage of a child's life they begin to really absorbe the lessons that will adhere to their psyche and become part of the foundation that their future lives will be built on.

I decided that you can never begin to guide too early. To be sure, we teach at very early ages that hot water burns and knives cut.

So I was sitting with my thirteen-year-old daughter, listening to her chatter on and on at about 100 miles-per-hour, when I decided it was a perfect time for a life lesson.

"Listen, honey," I said reaching down to hold both her hands in mine. "You're boring the ever-loving shit outta me with all this talk. How do you ever expect to keep a husband if you talk so damned much?"

Empty-nest-ly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: mailto:tz@gophercentral.com

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"News sources are reporting that Snooki from 'Jersey Shore' is pregnant. Snooki has yet to confirm the rumor. I guess we'll know she's pregnant when the vodka breaks." -Jimmy Kimmel



Traveling is a major part of my wife's job as a saleswoman, and it's not unheard-of for her to visit four or five cities in one week.

I hadn't thought too much of it until she returned wiped out from her last long business trip. As her head hit the pillow, she sighed, "It's so nice to be sleeping in my own bed, with my own husband."



"Even though Rachel McAdams is Canadian, she reminds me of a young Julia Roberts. Minus the third row of teeth." -Craig Ferguson



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Three men were getting out for shore leave after being out on the ship for six months. They all went out to the local clubs drinking and planned on going to a brothel later that night.

After ariving at the brothel, they saw a sign hanging on the wall. On it was the deal for the week; $50, $75 and $100.

The first guy drank a lot at the clubs and only had $50. He told the other two guys he would try it and come back and tell them how it was. He came back out of the room after 20 minutes. He told the other two guys about the experince. "Well I got in the room and she took my pants down and got it up. Then she put some whipped cream and some crushed nuts on it and she ate it all off. It was great."

The second guy didn't drink as much and had $75. He came back out of the room 45 minuites later sweating. "Man, she got my pants down and then she got it up, she put whipped cream and some chocolate sauce and some sprinkles. Then she ate it all off."

The third guy did not drink and had the $100. He came back out of the room after about an hour, crawling down the hallway sweating and shaking. The other two guys ask what had happened.

"Holy shit. She took my pants down and she got it up, then she put on some whipped cream, some crushed nuts, more whipped cream, some pineapple slices, some more whipped cream and a big cherry on top, and you know the damn thing looked so good I ate it myself."