Sunday, October 30, 2016
Greetings Laff Lovers,
I'm sure everybody knows what tomorrow is. I don't mind saying that I got fed up with Halloween years ago. The mere sight of costumed little crotch fruit collecting on my doorstep is enough to give me paroxysms. But the last time I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't home earned me egged windows and doors.
So this afternoon I am going out to buy a few boxes of individually wrapped chocolate-flavored laxatives.
It's my way of getting into the spirit of the thing. It's sort of a trick and a treat all in one.
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"Halloween is just a few days away and the Obamas have invited children to go trick-or-treating at the White House. It will be fun until the Secret Service tackles a kid and says, 'We finally got one. He's dressed like a ninja turtle and tried to get in here.'" -Jimmy Fallon
Top 10 Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex
10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. It's okay if the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you actually are.
5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. There's a lot less guilt the morning after.
1. You can do the whole neighborhood.
"Halloween is next week. I cannot wait. The smiles on those children's faces when they come to the door and taste what's left of the cocktail onions in my refrigerator, priceless." -Jimmy Kimmel
At the end of his sermon the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation wanted to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood up and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, was in a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
A muffled gasp arose from the men in the congregation as the thought of the pain poor Phil must have experienced sank in.
"Phil was hurt so badly that he couldn't even hold me or the kids," Suzie continued. "Every movement caused terrible pain. We prayed when his doctors performed the delicate operation required to repair the extensive damage. Luckily they were able to piece the crushed and broken remnants of Phil's scrotum together and wrap it in wire to hold everything in place."
Again, the male half of the congregation squirmed uncomfortably, cringing at the thought of what Phil went through.
"Today," Suzie announced in a quivering voice, "Thanks to the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital. His doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
A great sigh of relief arose from the pews. The shaken pastor stood and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He looked around the congregation and said, "I'm Phil." The entire assembly held its collective breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."