Monday, February 11, 2013Greetings Laff Lovers,
Clean Laffs Joe was complaining that he needed to buy some new clothes for a big event he had coming up.
"I need something that will make me look metrosexual, but not androgynous or effeminate. Wait a minute, is that what retrosexual is? I'm confused by what's hip and trendy now-a-days.
"TZ!" he accosted me, "What do you call a hip, well-dressed, well-groomed guy now-a-days; metrosexual or retrosexual?"
"I don't know," I answered. "I'm not metrosexual or retrosexual. I'm just a poor asshole who works all the time, gets screwed out of his taxes and doesn't have any money left at the end of the month. What's the name for me?"
Joe shrugged his shoulders, "American?"
Patriotically,
TZ
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'Like' Deal of the Day HereThen there was the guy who explained why he wasn't interested in visiting a topless bar: "If you've seen two, you've seen them all."
A wife, being the romantic type, sent her husband a text:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."
He replied:
"I'm taking a shit. What should I do?"
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. In my script it clearly said: "Enter Juliette from the rear."
There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma.
She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door.
Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened.
"I'm not sure," said the husband, "but I think she choked!"