Thursday, June 16, 2016
Greetings Laff Lovers,
"I'm sorry, TZ, but I need to cancel our lunch today," Lewis said plopping into a chair. "I have to see the eye doctor."
"What's wrong, buddy?" I said standing up to dig my boxers out of my ass.
He looked at me like he'd never seen anyone pick his ass before.
"Yeah, well," he said, "my vision was blurred when I woke up this morning. It took 30 minutes before I could see clearly."
"Maybe you were having a stroke?" I offered.
"I don't think so. I feel fine now."
"No, I mean 'stroke'", I said making the universal sign for male masturbation. "Maybe the old saying is true... 'if you don't stop you'll go blind'."
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"A recent study found that 67 percent of gamers will miss sleep in order to keep playing video games. They would even miss sex, if that were an option." -Seth Meyers
Two drunks are sitting in a tavern, staring into their drinks. One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen one of those ice cubes with a hole in it, like they use in fancy bars?"
"Yep," Pete replies. "I been married to one for 15 years."
"A lot of people have been turning to Craigslist to find companionship. As a general rule, if you wouldn't sleep on a futon you found on Craigslist, you probably shouldn't sleep with a person you found there either." -Jimmy Kimmel
The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Mattea has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino. After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind.
Chief Mattea says, "What the hell is going on?"
Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation."
The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!"
Olson says, "I did, Chief. That's how this shit got started."