Sunday, July 24, 2016
Greetings Laff Lovers,
When last we spoke I told you how happy my wife and I were to come home from a long weekend in Niagara Falls and find that my 15 year-old son had actually brought in the garbage can and not left it at the curb all week.
He left it by the garage instead of taking it around to the side of the house, but hey, by now I get happy when he doesn't forget to put his pants on before he goes outside.
So I immediately grab the can to take it where it belongs...and it weighs a ton.
"What the fuck?" I complained to my wife. "He brought the fucking can in before the fucking garbage man picked up the fucking garbage. And Honey, why does this weigh 100 pounds?"
"Oh, I threw away all the fruit because it only had a couple of days left and I knew the kids wouldn't eat it. I didn't want it to go bad in the fridge."
The can already smelled like shit and we had four nights before the next garbage day.
The kids heard the garage open and rushed out to welcome us home. Hugs and kisses and all that.
"Hey, Son, I see you brought the can in."
"Yep," he smiled, "Mom asked me to."
"Did you happen to notice how heavy it was?"
He stopped smiling. "Umm, yeah."
"Why would you bring in a full garbage can?"
"Well, it was Thursday night and he comes Thursday morning and Mom asked me to."
"When there is a holiday, like the 4th of July, the garbage service runs a day late because they're off for the holiday."
"Oh, I didn't know and Mom told me to be sure to bring it in. I was following orders."
That's when I nearly had a stroke.
"What are you a Nazi?"
"Are you a Nazi? 'Und I vas only folloving odas.' Can't you think for yourself? And since when do you even follow orders? I wish you would have fucked up like usual. 'I vas only folloving odas!'"
We immediately transferred the white, smelly, maggoty bags into big contractor's bags and tied them off so they didn't get worse. He nearly barfed a couple times. Then he cleaned the big can and got it smelling like roses.
I've been calling him Adolf since.
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"Britain has a new foreign secretary, and the new foreign secretary once likened Hillary Clinton to a 'sadistic nurse.' After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Man, I wish.'" -Conan O'Brien
My wife asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"
Apparently "Only to stop myself from cuming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
"Florida police arrested a woman this weekend in a storage unit facility after she had assaulted her husband during an argument over which sex position is best. She had argued for missionary, while he had argued for 'in a storage facility.'" -Seth Meyers
Some of these are funny...
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids:.... lucky bastards.
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," oh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule and this one is long overdue:
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
Stop sending me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting?