Thursday, July 28, 2011

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I've been playing golf for 10 years. I always wished I would have started when I was a kid because then I'd be better than I am now. My friends used to scrape their quarters together and go to the local course and have a blast. I tried it once with them but left after not being able to even make contact with the ball. I didn't try again until I was 38, but when I did I got hooked. I hadn't been addicted to anything so bad since I learned how to whack-off.

A couple of weeks ago I walked into Satan's office and she told me that a girl in her golf league foursome the previous night shot the lowest round of her life. I said, "Yeah? Well, I shaved my balls last night, so what?"

She threw me a small box that said MagnaSpirit Ion-Charged Bracelet, and said, "She was wearing this. I thought you might try it at your league tonight and let me know what happens."

I said, "What's this, another one of those bullshit balance things?"

She shook her head and said, "I shouldn't even give it to you."

"Come on, do you really blame me for being skeptical?"

"Ok, give it back."

"No, no, I'll try it."

Truth is, folks, that if Bagger Vance came to me and said, "How'd you like to get to the low eighties the next time you play?" I would have said, "I'll suck your dick." So Satan giving me this bracelet seemed like a cheaper way to go.

I swear to you that I immediately started winning. I am not kidding, lying, faking, joking or punking you. I have beat every person I play with, except for the guy who no one ever beats (and I almost beat him!) since I started wearing this thing. I shot my lowest round ever, then a week later I beat that score.

I don't know what it is: energy flow, blood flow, freakin' voodoo I really don't care. I also don't care if I'm considered nuts, gullible or stupid. All I know is that I need and endless supply of these things just in case I lose some or they break. I will never play golf or do any physical activity without wearing this bracelet again. And at $6.00 or 2 for $8.00 it's a no-brainer. Here's a link to the page:

Click: Ion Charged Wrist Band

I don't know if my body is susceptible to this thing or if it's psychosomatic. I just know it works for me and that I am not telling any of the guys I play with about it...ever.

I went in the next day and told Satan what happened. She was as excited as me. I almost kissed her but she grabbed my nuts and put a stop to that. I seriously told her I wanted a case of them so that I wouldn't run out if they were lost or broke.

"All large black ones?" she asked.

"No, please mix up the colors so I have a variety. And throw in a small one."

"For what?"

"I want to wrap it around my johnson and see if it enhances his performance in bed."

She was staring at me and not saying anything.

"I am absolutely not joking. Throw in a small one."

Performingly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

P.S. Here's that link again. Do yourself a favor and buy a few. I only take it off when I shower.

Click: Ion Charged Wrist Band



"A man in Iowa was arrested at his own wedding after he hit another guy who was dancing with his new wife. Yeah, the worst part is, it completely ruined the father-daughter first dance." -Jimmy Fallon



Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"



"In his speech, President Obama said that 'compromise' has become a dirty word. Then he told Republicans to go compromise themselves." -Conan O'Brien


*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***
It's Available. THE Laffaday Book... Check it out, it's 91 cents! (plus s&h). For more info or to order visit: THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ


Cinderella REALLY wanted to go to Prince Charming's ball, but as you know the evil stepsisters and stepmother will not let her. So they leave her all alone on the big night, cleaning the place.

"Oh, how I wish I could go!" Cinderella sighed. No sooner had she said this than her Fairy Godmother appeared, holding a long, beautiful white dress.

"Here, god-child," the fairy said, "try this on."

So Cinderella puts the thing on, and it fits perfectly, except she notices some red drops on the white fabric. "Dammit," Cinderella said, "of all the lousy nights to get my period!"

So the God mother presents her with a magic Tampon to solve the problem, but the tampon has a warning on it: "Please return to the house by midnight or the tampon will be turned into a pumpkin."

Cinderella puts it in and goes to the Ball. Meanwhile, the Fairy Godmother awaits Cinderella's return. 10 o'clock --11 o'clock --12 o'clock--1 o'clock Finally, at around 3 in the morning, a very out of breath Cinderella stumbles in.

"My God! What happened to you? What about the tampon? What about the prince?"

"Forget the prince," Cinderella sighed. "At around one o'clock I met the most amazing guy...Peter Peter something."