Thursday, March 12, 2015

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I think I have finally figured out what "middle-aged" means. Some people will tell you that middle-age is when you hit 45. Others will say it's when your sex drive finally starts to flag, or when your hormones start to drop off, or when you start referring to anyone under 30 as "damn kids".

But I have realized that my middle-age is upon me because I suddenly seem to spend a lot more time thinking about the past than the future.

It used to be I was constantly looking ahead, planning, dreaming, anticipating. I had so many goals to achieve and inexhaustible ambition to do it with.

These days all I ever think about is what my life would have been like if I ran away with that stripper I went out with once when I was 21.

That's normal, right?

Reflectingly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something. If I want to see any more beady-eyed little weasels, I'll just keep riding the subway." -Dave Letterman



As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are hand- fuls of twenty and fifty dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the bills?"

To his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."



"There's a new study that says giving your child too much praise can harm them later. If you're too hard on your kids, they grow up with no self-confidence, but if you praise them too much, they grow up to be narcissists. What do these little monsters want from us?" -Jimmy Kimmel



Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in a hospital ICU, tubes up my nose and down my throat, wires monitoring every function, a hell of a pain all over my head, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep and steady and I heard her slowly say, "I'm sorry but...you may not feel anything from the waist down."

It took all my effort, but I managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"