Monday, April 28, 2014

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Groupon can blow me. Every time I buy one of those piece of shit vouchers I end up eating it. I'm just not an "expiration date" kind of guy. Allow me to read you from my stack of vouchers:

Golf lessons for my kids--gone. Restaurant meals for me and the wife--gone. Go-Kart racing--gone. Opera tickets--gone. I can't really say I minded losing that one. I actually remembered it because I was sweating going. So out of all of them, I remembered the shittiest one.

Anyway, I'm done. Either I buy it and you send it to me or I ain't payin'.

Hey, what's this one? Large Black Rubber Dildo--Redeemed.

I never ordered no Big Black Dildo.

"Hey, Honey?" I shouted. "Can I talk to you for a sec?"

Unusedly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"Hooters is coming out with a new loyalty program to help frequent customers track their receipts and orders. So if you're someone who goes to Hooters enough to take part in their loyalty program, I'm sorry your wife got the house." -Jimmy Fallon



This college girl comes back to the dorm after spending all day hiking in the wilderness with her boyfriend. After her shower she's toweling off when her roommate notices her ass all bruised up black and blue. "Good heavens! What happened to you? You're all bruised up."

She replied, "Well, you know how it goes, just got caught between a rock and a hard-on..."



"A strange new product is coming to your liver this fall - Palcohol, which is powdered alcohol. It's like Crystal Light that will get you drunk." -Jimmy Kimmel



A wealthy man wanted to get married, but he was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.