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Thursday, April 21, 2016

Greetings Laff Lovers,

What a day; one meeting after another. Usually I am spared this kind of bullshit, but nominally I am the company's operations manager (that means I am the asshole in charge of buying paper towels and complaining to the landlord when the toilet clogs up) so when tax time rolls around I have to let the pencil pushers stick a microscope up my ass.

Finalizing our taxes required a decision on whether to follow the advice of our whip-smart downtown Jewish law firm, or that of our south-side neighborhood Polish accountants who might not be the most meticulous (or all that good at math) but who always seem to come up with a number we like.

But nobody listens to my advice. I suggested a long time ago that we should have found some Polish Jews.

Hmmm, decisions decisions.



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"According to a dating app, Amazon employees are more desirable than employees at other tech companies. Plus, if you sleep with one, they will recommend someone else you might also like." -Conan O'Brien

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' you get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live. Totally worth it.

I was absolutely disgusted after I accidentally clicked on some gay porn last night. It was the worst 40 minutes of my life!

A wealthy man wanted to get married, but he was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

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