Thursday, December 11, 2014

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I recently received the following heart-felt email from a reader named Thelma...


"I've been following you on my computer for a fairly long time, and it seems as if your jokes are becoming increasingly raunchy. Is it possible to submit a few clever clean jokes once in a while? You might not believe it, but sometimes other than dirty jokes are more enjoyable. Believe it; I'm telling you the truth."


Thelma, we have a publication for that very thing. It is called Clean Laffs, and we put the most uptight, anal retentive, self-righteous douche bag we could find in charge of writing it. I think you'll like it.

Go to www.gophercentral.com and click on Clean Laffs at the top of the page and enter your email address.

But to just show that I am sympathetic to my more sensitive readers, following is a joke that I have edited for general audiences.

But first we have to set up some code words so the joke still makes sense;

Instead of the word that means bodily evacuation we will use "shoot".

Instead of the word that means two people sharing the act of love we will use "fire truck".

And instead of a woman's very special place we will use the word "coconut".

Everybody got it? "Shoot", "fire truck" and "coconut". Okay, here is the joke...

So, these two cock-suckers walk into a bar...

Sensitively,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"There was a press conference in England announcing the new James Bond movie. The Bond girl this time is Monica Bellucci. She is very beautiful. She's the oldest Bond girl ever. She's 50. You know they are going to make a big deal out of that and give her a name like Ivanna Playbingo. Or Miss Menopausy. Anita Supplement. Havna Hotflash. Eileen Onawalker." -Craig Ferguson



Back and forth...back and forth. In and out...in and out. A little to the right...a little to the left. She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.

She was getting near to the end. He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved... Forwards then backwards...forward then backward... Again...and again!

Her heart was pounding now...Her face was flushed...She groaned... softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream, "OK, you smug bastard, so I can't parallel park. You do it!"



"Some people are mad over the Discovery Channel's 'Eaten Alive' special about a man getting eaten by an anaconda because the snake didn't completely swallow him. This proves there are two things America will not stand for: false advertising and portion control." -Conan O'Brien



This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two cases of "Victoria Bitter" beer cheap at my local grocery.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous Sheila in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "what kind of beer 'ya got?"