Sunday, May 22, 2016
Greetings Laff Lovers,
I have changed my mind, so please disregard my last column.
I am now no longer the individual to be referred to as 'Nee'.
I am now the individual to be referred to as 'Ekki-ekki-ekki-ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing, z'nourrwringmm.'
Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: firstname.lastname@example.org
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"A man has been sentenced to five years in jail for trying to smuggle 51 turtles in his pants. The man has already told his cellmate, 'There's nothing you can do to me that 51 turtles haven't.'" -Conan O'Brien
I went to the club last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. So I said, "Great legs!"
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "You really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
"Today is Take Your Kid to Work Day. It's really the most uncomfortable day of the year for the adult film industry. Take Your Kid to Work Day is a great opportunity to teach your children why you come home miserable every night." -Jimmy Kimmel
Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!"
She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all Honey, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "Uh, no baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped. I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.