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Sunday, August 21, 2016

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I read a disturbing story. It seems certain hotels, namely the Venetian resort, hotel and casino in Las Vegas, has started using facial recognition technology to tailor suggestions for restaurants, clubs and entertainment to passersby.

You walk past a camera and it scans your face to instantly profile you as a man or woman, your likely age and probably even your ethnicity. The computer it is attached to then tailors an advertisement for you which is displayed on a near-by screen.

If this sounds familiar that's because it comes straight out of that Tom Cruise disappointment Minority Report.

This is just the first step, of course. How many people have pictures of themselves on Facebook or MySpace 'tagged' with their real name?

What happens when these technologies get together on the Internet?

I can picture myself walking through the mall with my wife and kids when a camera scans my face, matches it with a picture of myself on my Facebook profile and instantly knows about all of my Internet activity.

"Hello TZ!" chimes a pleasant voice from a kiosk equipped with large, flat screen displays. "If you're interested in barely legal, Asian hermaphrodites make sure to check out Big Al's Adult Book and Video six blocks west of the mall. And Walgreens has a sale right now on self-warming sex lube."



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"A man in Oregon walked away with minor injuries after he fell asleep in a dumpster and ended up in a trash compacter. It raises a lot of questions, and the answer to all of them is tequila." -Jimmy Fallon

The guy says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting it up."

The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take three months and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"

The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "What did you decide?"

He says, "We're going to re-do the kitchen."

"A man who ordered a television off of Amazon was shocked because Amazon instead sent him a rifle. Which means somewhere a hunter is trying to kill a deer by making it watch 'Real Housewives.'" -Conan O'Brien

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.

"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."

"Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about a couple of inches then I'll take my business elsewhere!"

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