Monday, March 4, 2013

Greetings Laff Lovers,

All this talk about banning assault weapons got me thinking: I need a fucking assault weapon. Not wanting to jump from never having fired a gun to owning a weapon that could fire an overwhelming number of bullets, I decided I needed some range time with a handgun.

Clean Laffs Joe was gracious enough to lug me and a few of his favorite firearms to the local gun range where he proceeded to teach me how to handle, load and shoot a Smith & Wesson .357 revolver, a Sig Sauer 9mm and a Springfield XDM .40. Over the course of one hour we put 300 rounds through those puppies...and boy was it fun.

I won't bore you with how well I did (Chuck Conners got nothin' on me), nor will I offer a novice's review of the weapons, but I will say that most of the 15 employees and 50 customers were real assholes...so I felt right at home.

For example, this particular range/store has a hundred yards of glass counters packed with various guns. Employees everywhere but I couldn't get any of their attention. Three employees were goofing around near the case I was looking at.

"Excuse me," I said, "I can't seem to find a Smith & Wesson .357 revolver with the four inch barrel. Do you know where they are?"

One guy turned my way and said, "Somewhere in that case there."

"No shit?" I said as I turned to Joe and said, "you have just witnessed a highly skilled salesman ply his trade."

The dickhead employees and most of the customers around us looked at me as if I were the asshole. Then one customer a few feet away came and showed me where the guns were. We got to talking and I found out that between him and Joe they own as many guns as a village of Somali pirates.

I didn't buy a gun that day because I want to buy it from a place that appreciates its customers. I heard of a place that gets you laid with every purchase. I know it's true because my sister bought her gun there.

Red-bloodedly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"A team of British engineers have developed a car that runs on human waste. I'll bet that new car smell doesn't last very long." -Jay Leno



Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do.

Why is this?

In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly unconnectable pieces...

That, and they go through your shit while you're in the shower.



"You can't believe how much hard work it is to con people into thinking that you're productive when you're unemployed. Always thinking up things to tell them you're going to do tomorrow, having to exaggerate every minute of your nowhere day...it's worse than having a job. At least when you're employed, when people ask about your day you can tell them to shut up and mind their own business." --Drew Carey



An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake.

He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age when he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."