Thursday, April 20, 2017
Greetings Laff Lovers,
I walked into the breakroom and two of our women were standing close and whispering intently.
"Are you two going to start making out?" I asked.
One of them quipped, "You know Bill O'Reilly just got fired for sexual harassment, right?"
"I'm not sexually harassing you," I said. "I want you two to sexually harass each other while I watch. I don't think that's a crime."
"Would that make him an accessory?" One of them asked.
"I think so, right?" said the other.
"Yeah, that would make him open to a law suit. What do you think we could get out of him?"
"Girls," I said, "when I want to hear what you think I'll take my dick out of your mouths long enough to hear it. Capisce?"
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"A Republican lawmaker who was criticized about his vote against internet privacy said nobody's GOT to use the internet. Then someone told him that's where porn was. And he said, 'I have been a fool. I apologize.'" -Conan O'Brien
According to a new survey about sex, 51 percent of people said they would consider having sex for money if the amount offered was large enough.
The average woman said the amount would have to be at least $35,000.
The average man, on the other hand, said, "How much you got on you?"
"A lot of people have been turning to Craigslist to find companionship. As a general rule, if you wouldn't sleep on a futon you found on Craigslist, you probably shouldn't sleep with a person you found there either." -Jimmy Kimmel
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me."
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days."
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute.
"Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself," she giggled.
So I told her to fuck off.