Monday, July 7, 2014

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I hope everybody had a nice, safe and relaxing holiday weekend. I did. This year I refused to drive the kids over to Indiana and smuggle explosives into Illinois (if there are any state law enforcement officials reading this, my use of the phrase "this year" is not an admission of guilt to having smuggled explosives into Illinois practically every other year).

The girls are too old to care about firecrackers and bottle rockets anymore, so the only one who was really disappointed was the boy.

Friday night, as the rest of the neighborhood street urchins were running around shooting bottle rockets at each others heads and trying to blow their fingers off, my son sat on the porch sulking.

I put my arm around him, "Look at those little morons, running around and putting their health and safety at risk for a few cheap thrills. Do you really want to be out there acting like a savage with them?"

He looked up at me with a pouty lip and a scowl and barked, "Yes!"

"Well," I answered, "Get used to disappointment."

Safely,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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A girl goes into a bank with a big sack full of quarters to deposit. The teller said "girl you must have been hoarding these quarters." The girl said "well yes but I only whored half of them. My sister whored the other half."



A man is driving his five year old to a friend's house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident.

"Douche-bag!" the father yells.

A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn't make it right, and I don't ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?"

His son looks at him and says, "Too late, douche-bag."



One time, I had to tell a candidate that we would not be able to offer him a job because his drug test had come back positive and ours was a drug-free environment. After a minute he asked, "Can you tell me which one showed up?"



One of our female members, who shall remain nameless, took a vacation to France some years ago with one of her girl-friends.

Her husband drove her to the airport and wished her a good trip. The wife asked, "Would you like me to bring something back for you?"

The husband laughed and says, "How about a French girl!"

Our lady kept quiet, didn't respond and went into the terminal.

Two weeks later her husband picked her up at the airport and asked, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Really great, I loved Paris."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?"

"What I asked for....the French girl?"

"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."