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Thursday, February 25, 2016

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Here is a headline that many of us have been waiting for; "Scientists have claimed they have found a way for women to have babies without men by creating artificial sperm."

Can it be true? Are men finally freed of the drudgery of having to plumb the squishy, sticky depths of a woman's reproductive system just to have a son he can teach how to play catch and talk his way out of a speeding ticket?

Are the endless nights of watching 'Dancing with the Stars' and participating in inane, pointless conversations finally over?

It could be. But the artificial sperm called 'spermatids' are only half the answer. Somebody really has to get on that sex-bot technology.

Oh, and this new artificial sperm is a Chinese invention, so if you want a 'spermatid' baby it's probably gonna be Chinese.



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"The British tabloid, The Mirror, published a story about a woman who faked her own death to break off a relationship after the man wouldn't leave her alone. Ahh, yes, the old 'It's not you, I'm dead' approach." -Seth Meyers

A man was questioned by police after he had witnessed his wife being beaten by five men.

"Why didn't you help?" they asked.

"I thought five was enough," he replied.

"Studies are showing that Republican candidates are buying a lot of their ad time on the Weather Channel. You can tell because last night, the weatherman blamed the cold front on immigration and gay marriage." -Conan O'Brien


1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The very best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
C. A very conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. An important model to strive for
B. A myth or an oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:

* If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be sure you ARE a man.
* If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy.
* If you answered "C" more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!

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