Thursday, July 7, 2016
Greetings Laff Lovers,
I hope everybody had a nice, safe and relaxing holiday weekend. I did. This year I refused to drive the kids over to Indiana and smuggle explosives into Illinois (if there are any state law enforcement officials reading this, my use of the phrase "this year" is not an admission of guilt to having smuggled explosives into Illinois practically every other year).
The girls are too old to care about firecrackers and bottle rockets anymore, so the only one who was really disappointed was the boy.
Monday night, as the rest of the neighborhood street urchins were running around shooting bottle rockets at each others heads and trying to blow their fingers off, my son sat on the porch sulking.
I put my arm around him, "Look at those little morons, running around and putting their health and safety at risk for a few cheap thrills. Do you really want to be out there acting like a savage with them?"
He looked up at me with a pouty lip and a scowl and said, "Yes!"
"Well," I answered, "get used to disappointment."
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"The big mistake men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen and all of a sudden they've reached puberty they believe that they like women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any more at 21 than you did at ten." --Jules Feiffer
A man is driving his five year old to a friend's house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident.
"Douche-bag!" the father yells.
A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn't make it right, and I don't ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?"
His son looks at him and says, "Too late, douche-bag."
"Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all end up buying station wagons." --Tim Allen
A gang-banger and his girlfriend were walking downtown one night when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.
"No problem, baby," the gang-banger said, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.
A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather jacket in another shop window. "What I'd give to own that!" she said.
"Sure thing," the gang-banger said, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.
Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.
"Damn, baby!" the gangster cried. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something!"