Thursday, December 22, 2011

Greetings Laff Lovers,

The last few years I have been having growing reservations about Christmas. And I think I have finally figured out why. Christmas is nothing more than a big propaganda machine for Communism.

Before you get all offended, let me explain.

First, Santa Claus represents the state, fat and bloated with corruption and graft. The elves, small, oppressed and poor, and all wearing uniforms, work slavishly for him with no apparent personal benefits. You never see one of Santa's elves with personal property, do you?

Not only that, but Comrade Klaus even looks like Karl Marx, author of the Communist Manifesto and Das Kapital and universally considered the father of communism.

A big, fat old man with thick eyebrows and a bushy white beard.

Plus, he's always dressed in red. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Then, once a year, the Claus/Marx persona "redistributes the wealth" to poor little proletariat boys and girls in a single night of global pacification.

If that isn't evidence enough take a look at some of the supporting propaganda, Rudolph the "Red" Nosed Reindeer, for example.

In the opening stanzas of the song, Rudolph is identified as being unique among his peers. He is an individual, and this individuality represents individual achievement.

But his is quickly ostracized by his peers for being different.

It isn't until he gets a nod from the state in the person of the Claus/Marx character that the other reindeer accept him...or more specifically...are too afraid to reject him anymore.

Then, at the end of the song, all of the reindeer are harnessed to the sleigh (production) which supports a fat Santa (the state) in order to provide momentum to his domination of wealth.

How do you like your precious holiday now?

Socialistically,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in
your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"Someone has said that there are only two kinds of people in the world---- There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning." --Unknown



Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O'Hare airport in Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or "chit." That evening after dinner I presented my meal ticket to the cashier.

"Is this chit worth $10?" I asked.

Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, "I'm sorry, sir. Was the meal that bad?"




A bar in NYC is installing a breathalyzer. If your drunk, it advises you not to drive. If you're really, really drunk, it advises you not to call your old girlfriend.



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The 5 toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is always: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!")