Thursday, October 9, 2014

Greetings Laff Lovers,

It just so happens that Clean Laffs Joe and I got onto the same kick recently of eating a cup of instant oatmeal every day for lunch.

Just the other day I ran into him in the kitchen as he was pouring boiling water into his oatmeal cup. As usual he was doing it wrong.

"Joe, you see that little line on the inside of the cup? That is where you're supposed to fill it up to. You're adding too much water."

"You might like your oatmeal with the consistency of wet concrete," he replied, "but I like my oatmeal like I like my women..."

"Thick and lumpy?" I interjected.

"No, wet and gooey" he said, pausing to look at the label on the cup, "and stuffed with pecans and raisins."

Riposte-ly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"The gay rights group GLAAD has released its annual report on TV. The History Channel got a very poor grade from GLAAD, which is why today the History Channel announced its new show, 'Gay Hitler.'" -Conan O'Brien



A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother: "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"

"That's your father."

"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"



"During a routine stop at the JFK airport, Customs officials recovered 3.7 pounds of cocaine hidden in a woman's platform shoes and purse. She might have gotten away with it if she didn't hide the drugs in the two things they always search at airports." Jimmy Fallon



A FEW SIMPLE RULES FOR HAPPY LIVING:

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

Avoid arguments with women about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. You'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and it does, use the duct tape.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily thought: Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for much but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.