Thursday, June 3, 2014

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I just read a story today about how the The Trademark Trial and Appeal Board, which somehow governs what names NFL teams can call themselves, has voted to cancel the Washington Redskins' trademark registrations because the name was disparaging to American Indians.

Now I don't follow football as much as I used to, so I care less about this subject than most people who picked up on this story, but I can sympathize with Native Americans. Nobody wants to be caricaturized. On the same hand, you can't single out one team, or one group, or one demographic. And there is plenty of room for more sensitivity in the NFL. Let's take a look...

The Kansas City Chiefs? Well, that's just as bad as the Redskins.

Cleveland Browns. Can they call themselves the Darkies? Might as well just call them the New York Spooks or Jig-a-Boos.

New York Jets (see: The Browns).

Minnesota Vikings. That is offensive to anyone of Scandinavian descent. Nobody wants to be reminded that they come from a long line of murderers, rapists and usurpers.

Speaking of which; The Oakland Raiders has to go. Piracy is rampant in international waters. They are making movies out of it, for Christ's sake. Do the people who have been victims of piracy need to re-live their trauma every time the Raiders appear on television? And what is with the cutlasses in the logo? If I had been a victim of sword violence I would be extremely offended by the casual way these weapons are glorified.

Same goes for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

New England Patriots. That is offensive to illegal immigrants and any British nationals living here.

Buffalo Bills, well, that's just offensive to anyone named Bill...especially when they're losing. Anyway, it's obvious that they should be called the Bison. That one's a no-brainer.

Tennessee Titans. Offensive to Greeks and large people.

New Orleans Saints. Offensive to non-Catholics...and probably Catholics, too.

And the Green Bay Packers? If I pursued an alternative lifestyle I would be extremely offended. Might as well just call them the Butt-Fuckers. I can hear the announcer now, 'The Butt-Fuckers are bent over at the line of scrimmage and they're ready to receive.'

So after several seconds of deep contemplation on the matter I came up with a fair, equitable and most importantly SIMPLE solution. Since the majority of NFL teams already have animal name, just make it a rule that they ALL have to have animal names.

Except The Bears. That is offensive to large, hairy, male homosexuals.

Sensitively,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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A famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I'd like to know why men always want to marry a virgin?"

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A chicken farmer went to the local bar, sat down next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."

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"What a coincidence," said the farmer.

While they toasted, the man asked. "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."

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"I used a different rooster," the farmer said.

The woman smiled and said. "What a coincidence."



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A father buys a lie-detecting robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some homework."

The robot slaps the son.

"Ok! Ok! I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story." And the robot slaps him again.

The son says, "Alright, already! We were watching porn."

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And the robot slaps the mom.