Thursday, November 11, 2010
Greetings Laff Lovers,
Lord, did I make the wrong career choice! What the fuck was
I thinking when I decided to work for a living? I guess
those are the kind of mistakes that come from inexperience.
If I had known any better fifteen years ago I would have
gone to work for the state of Illinois. Then I could have
gotten in on sweet gigs like this guy did.
Roger Walker was appointed to the state prison board by
Illinois governor Pat Quinn 17 months ago at a salary of
$85,886-a-year. Since then he has attended approximately
one day of work (not including orientation).
His excuse (when somebody finally noticed he was missing)?
He's been sick. That's right. As it turns out Mr. Walker
has heart, lung and stomach problems. And who can blame
him? Serving on a prison board is stressful. Especially
when you're never there.
When asked why he took the job when he knew he was so sick
he might not be able to fulfill his duties he gave the most
brilliant answer I have ever heard. He said he took it
because he needed the health insurance.
This is a perfect example of corruption being so ubiquitous
that it's just right out there in the open. Everybody knows
and nobody cares.
How do I know nobody cares? He still has his position.
The chairman of the review board, told the governor's office
about Walker's absences, but Quinn has taken no action
against him.
And who can blame him? Illinois is only $42 billion in debt,
give or take a billion. Who's going to worry about a measly
hundred thousand or so? Not to mention the medical benefits
he's stealing.
So instead of me working and paying taxes so Roger Walker
doesn't have to work...I think I'm going to quit this
Internet thing and go to "work" for the state so the rest
of the rubes in the private sector can pay me to show up at
some government office a couple times a month to pick up a
pay check.
My golf game will improve, I'll tell you that much.
Career-planningly,
TZ
Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in
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"The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of
the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among
other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating."
-Unknown psychology professor in neuropsychology course
"There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least
two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection.
It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal
of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest
suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection in-
creases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call
it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted."
-Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour
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[I'm not about to take responsibility for this joke. It was
sent in by a reader named Douglas R. who is apparently too
embarrassed to use his full name.]
My brother-in-law and I were fishing, not having any luck
when he told me to row faster. I rowed and rowed when all
of a sudden both oars snapped right in half.
Stranded my brother-in-law said, "What now dipshit?"
"Don't worry. Somebody is going to come by." I answered.
Just then around a corner came an Englishman and two ladies
with parasols. I yelled out, "Could I borrow one of your
oars?"
The Englishmen said, "Them's not oars! One's me wife and
the other's me sister."
Email TZ at: mailto:tz@laffaday.com