Sunday, September 28, 2014

Greetings Laff Lovers,

A pet peeve of mine is going up to sleep and finding that there are not any sheets on the bed. It automatically pisses me off.

But being the patient, loving husband that I am I calmly suggested to my wife that she bring the clean laundry up to the bedroom so we don't have to sleep on a bare mattress like homeless people squatting in an abandoned house.

I was helping her make the bed when she said, "This mattress is 15 years old. We should get a new one."

"Why is your first instinct to always spend money? This mattress is like brand new," I said, bouncing on it with my hands. "Just look at how tight the springs still are!"

She sighed, "That's because it doesn't get any use."

Good-as-newly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"There was another round of leaked photos of nude celebrities this weekend, which included Mary-Kate Olsen. Mary-Kate said she was extremely embarrassed. Then her twin sister Ashley said, 'Yeah, me too.'" -Jimmy Fallon



Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses. My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end. My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."

Sarah replies, "Property? The asshole had a paper route!"



"A recent report says the majority of Americans cannot name the three branches of government - Judicial, Executive, and Legislative. To make it easier, the government is renaming those branches Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney." -Conan O'Brien



A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in- law explained. "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left with a lot to think about.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

When he finally came home he walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.

"Well, it needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

He never heard the gunshot.