Thursday, March 3, 2016
Greetings Laff Lovers,
I was having lunch with a friend of mine the other day, and right after the meal I stood up and said, "Excuse me, I have to say hello to an old friend. I'll be back in two minutes."
He gave me a quizzical look, "Why on Earth do you have to call an old friend right in the middle of lunch!?"
I stared back at him. "You know, an old friend. My OLDEST friend. The one I've been through a lot of 'ups-and-downs' with..."
Finally the light of realization spread across his face. He gave a chuckle and waved me off.
When I got back to the table he asked me, "How is your old friend?"
"Same as always," I replied. "I told him I was having lunch with you and he asked how your mom was."
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"Lawmakers in New Hampshire are now backing a bill that would make it illegal for women to expose their breasts in public because they say it could hurt tourism. Then New Orleans said, 'You sure about that?'" -Jimmy Fallon
The new stewardess was summoned to the office of the head of the training program for a severe reprimand.
"I heard about that episode on your first flight, Miss Larson," said the director, glaring over the top of her glasses. "From now on, whenever a passenger feels faint, I'll thank you to push his head down between his OWN legs!"
"NASA is currently recruiting people for their rest studies program in which participants will be paid $18,000 to spend 70 days in bed and smoke different types of marijuana. But so far, they've only had 1 billion applicants." -Seth Meyers
A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem: The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of her species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $100?
Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss the gorilla."
"Second, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
Ed stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the hundred bucks."