Thursday, August 25, 2016
Greetings Laff Lovers,
I had an emotional experience during lunch today. No, I was not eating at Hooters. I was at my desk eating a salad my wife had made for me. How can a salad move a man? Well, vegetables are high in fiber...just kidding. Take a look at the ingredients of this thing that was made for me at 6 a.m.:
Red onion, chopped mushrooms, chopped green olives, sliced radish, sliced cucumber, shaved carrots, a bit of purple cabbage, chopped broccoli, cubed cheddar cheese, crumbled feta cheese, sliced green pepper, sliced tomatoes, lettuce and those little wrinkled bright green peppers that squirt all over when you bite into them. She also sent along an entire bottle of Newman's Own Balsamic and Vinaigrette dressing.
Folks, I was so touched that I called my wife afterward to thank her for taking the time to lovingly wash, cut, slice, dice and shave all of these things.
She said, "I had to get rid of all that stuff. It was going bad."
"Oh...OK," I said. "Thanks anyway."
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"A man in New Jersey passed away on Tuesday and it became clear that he was cheating on his wife when two obituaries, one by his spouse and the other by his girlfriend, appeared in the local paper, one above the other. I don't know what he died from, but I'm guessing it was exhaustion." -James Corden
As we left the gym after our first real workout in years, my husband and I both felt energized. "Let's make a commitment to do it three times a week," I said.
"Absolutely," my husband agreed, "three times at a minimum."
"And no whining," I said. "No excuses."
"No, we'll do it," he said enthusiastically, "you can count on it."
"And on my late night, we can just meet here at the gym."
"The gym?" my husband said, confused. "I thought we were talking about sex?"
"In an interview with NBC's Matt Lauer over the weekend, Ryan Lochte apologized for his 'immature behavior.' I don't know if Lochte meant it, because he answered Lauer's next question by responding, 'Homo says what?'" -Conan O'Brien
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti homini" - Blessed be mankind.
A women's rights group approached the pope the next day. They noticed that the pope had blessed all of mankind, but not womankind. So the next day, after his sermon, the pope concluded by saying, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini" - Blessed be mankind and womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the pope. They said that they noticed that he had blessed mankind and womankind, and asked if he could also bless those who are gay.
The pope said, "Sure."
The next day, the pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti homeni, et tuti femini, et tuti fruiti."