Thursday, April 30, 2015

Greetings Laff Lovers,

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is a much repeated cliche. Generally, cliches have truth in them and that is how they reach that cliche status. This one, however, falls short of eternal human truth and needs revising.

I say this only because I notice that people will think fondly of someone they miss only up to a point. What is that point? Invariably it is when the person doing the missing hits the wall and decides there is no good reason for the absence-- regardless of the intentions of the one being missed.

So, I submit that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" should be revised to be more consistent with the human experience: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder until I decide you are an evil, selfish, pig who knows less about anything than a blind monkey constantly masturbating in a corner of the zoo, because you hurt my feelings by not giving me any face-time. Jagoff."

Revisingly,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"Students at a Catholic girls school in England are reportedly being taught that sex outside of marriage can destroy your soul and make your body sick. While sex inside of marriage just destroys your soul." -Seth Meyers



Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex; Nope, no more booze for me; Sorry, but you're not really my type; Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? Oh, I just couldn't-- no one wants to hear me sing!



"A 91-year-old woman in the U.K. recently got engaged to her 102-year-old boyfriend, which would make them the oldest newlyweds in the world. They're really happy and said they can't wait to spend the rest of their week together." -Jimmy Fallon



When Cletus was just a youngster, he went to the drug store and asked the pharmacist, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?"

The chemist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?"

"Sure do. They keep you from getting venereal diseases."

The chemist was impressed. "That's right, son. Do you know what the ribs are for?"

Cletus paused and then answered, "Well, not really, but they sure do make the hair on my goat's back stand up."