Monday, June 11, 2012Greetings Laff Lovers,
Clean Laffs Joe's wedding was this weekend. I missed it, but since my afternoon golf foursome was canceled I was able to catch the reception. I was actually surprised at how many people attended. I didn't think Joe had that many friends, but apparently he owes a lot of people money.
And yes, he married an actual woman.
They put out quite a spread, too. The meal was family-style with turkey and stuffing, pasta and sausages and roast beef with mashed potatoes. Preceded, of course, by soup and salad. So there was plenty to eat. There was also an open bar, although I didn't partake.
Plenty of people did, though, including the groom himself. He was soaked as a prom queen's panties by ten o'clock, which was right about when I was leaving.
As I made my exit I found him and pressed an envelope into his hands.
"Wassthis?" he slurred at me.
"Just a little token of my affection," I told him. "It's those naked pictures of your girlfriend. I guess that since she's your wife now it's kind of inappropriate for me to keep them."
Appropriately,
TZ
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'Like' Deal of the Day Here"An aquarium in the U.K. claims that it has the world's first vegetarian shark. Either that or they're playing a really mean prank on Nigel the tank cleaner." -Jimmy Fallon
A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.
Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to the other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."
"Hey, guess who's gay? Green Lantern. His superpower is decorating on a budget." --David Letterman
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THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZAs I Mature
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I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes, After that you better have a huge schlong.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting, long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away.