Thursday, May 1, 2014

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I had an emotional experience during lunch today. No, I was not eating at Hooters. I was at my desk eating a salad my wife had made for me. How can a salad move a man? Well,vegetables are high in fiber...just kidding. Take a look at the ingredients of this thing that was made at 6 a.m.:

Red onion, chopped mushrooms, chopped green olives, sliced radish, sliced cucumber, shaved carrots, a bit of purple cabbage, chopped broccoli, cubed cheddar cheese, sliced feta cheese, sliced green pepper, sliced tomatoes, lettuce and those little wrinkled bright green peppers that squirt all over when you bite into them. She also sent along an entire bottle of Newman's Own Balsamic and Vinaigrette dressing.

Folks, I was so touched that I called my wife afterward to thank her for taking the time to lovingly wash, cut, slice, dice and shave all of these things.

She said, "I had to get rid of all that stuff. It was going bad."

"Oh...OK," I said. "Thanks anyway."

Dyspeptically,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives



"A woman claiming to be Hitler's maid said that he pretended to adhere to a healthy diet but actually had an insatiable sweet tooth. I knew if we waited long enough, we'd eventually find some dirt on that guy." -Seth Meyers



Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.

Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a hard kick in the crotch.

In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."



A guest on Groucho Marx's "You Bet Your Life" television show was a woman who had given birth to twenty-two children. "I love my husband," the woman explained sheepishly.

"I love my cigar too," Groucho said, "but I take it out once in a while."



A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she turned to him and said calmly, "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

Nervously, the guy said, "Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so."

His mother went back to stirring the pot. Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"