Monday, July 8, 2013Greetings Laff Lovers,
Sunday was our 22nd wedding anniversary. I'd like to tell you that we tore it up and partied wildly before passionately embracing and rooting like hogs in heat, but I'd be lying.
On Saturday we went to our favorite Mexican restaurant, Uncle Julio's, then headed over to the outdoor mall for a nice walk. She actually began shopping so I invented some bullshit so that I could go buy her a present. I went into the Pandora store, spent a fortune, hid it in the car for tomorrow, then reconnected with my wife.
The kids were all out at various places when we got home so we had the place to ourselves. My wife was instantly on the phone as she watched some video a friend sent her, and I headed to the basement to try and fix my daughter's sewing machine.
After an hour or so the phone began to ring off the hook. It was our oldest calling every five minutes telling us she'd be home soon. "I'll be home in 20 minutes," we heard her say to the machine. Then, "I'll be home in 15 minutes." Then, "10." Then, "5." Then, "I'm in the driveway!"
She walked in and peaked around as I came up from the basement. "Hi Pops. Mom down there?"
"No she's upstairs watching something. I was fixing your sister's sewing machine. Why the hell were you calling every 5 minutes?"
She laughed, "It's your anniversary and you're sewing while Mom's online. I was calling because I didn't want to walk in on you guys...you know."
"Oh, good idea. Why don't you leave for 5 minutes and I'll have your mom to the moon and back. That way she'll fall asleep and I can watch the last couple episodes of Shameless without hearing how disgusting the show is."
My daughter looked at me with mouth agape. "I hope my future husband and I on our 22nd anniversary are more passionate and considerate."
"Yeah, well, you let me know how that goes for you."
Realistically,
TZ
By the way, the Pandora Bracelet brought down the house. Get your wives one, no matter how stupid you think it is.
Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link:
tz@gophercentral.comP.S.
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"One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.' But when you're in the woods you're like, 'Is there an asshole out here?' They look like trees."
-Demetri Martin
I was really peeved when I lost out on winning the pub quiz, by only a single answer.
The crucial question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
Apparently, the correct answer is "Africa".
The trouble with finding your perfect soul mate is that she would probably want to get married, then four weeks after the wedding you would meet another perfect soul mate, with bigger tits.
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Do you support a political party that uses an ass as its symbol because that is exactly what each and every person who votes for liberal garbage is?
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Do you want to persecute Christians and force their children to submit to child molestation by satanic homosexuals in the boy scouts?
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If elected, will you shut down churches, put Satan in control of the White House, force children to look at pornography, force everyone to become homosexual and generally work to destroy everything that is good and decent?
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