Thursday, January 26, 2012

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Hey! I send my kids to private school, I let them participate in whatever sports or extracurricular activities they want, I feed them and keep a roof over their heads, so I should be able to have a little fun at their expense.

So last week on our little ski weekend I was on the slopes with the family when I suddenly noticed my phone wasn't in my pocket. It's a $200 dollar phone so I was understandably upset. In short order I had the entire family scrounging around in the snow looking for it. If I dropped it and somebody picked it up I was going to be pissed.

I wasn't 100 percent sure I had put it in my pocket in the first place, so before I freaked out I decided to check the car.

I stomped the half mile back to the parking lot and, sure enough, there it was in the glove compartment.

I was just sitting there checking my messages when the phone rang. I was my middle daughter. In a flash of inspiration I answered the phone and in my best ghetto voice said, "What up?"

"Hi," said my 13 year-old. "You must've found my dad's phone."

"Yeah, what you gonna gimme fo' it?"

"Uh, well, it's my daddy's..." she said, completely dumbfounded by the idea of exploitation.

"It was yo daddy's, it be mine now, 'lessn' you gimme somethin' fo' it."

"But, but, but,"

"But nothin'. I'll take fiddy bucks."

"But, but, but, it's my dad's..."

Just when I started to feel bad about pulling her leg so badly and I had decided to come clean we got disconnected.

I was walking back across the parking lot when I saw her running towards me.

"Dad! Dad! I called your phone and this guy was so mean and won't give it back it unless you pay him and..."

I cut her off. "Honey, that was me. I was just playing a little joke. I was trying to tell you but we were disconnected."

Her lip started to quiver and she burst into tears over the cruelty of the world and her own father. She was inconsolable.

I felt bad at first, but then I thought, eh, what the hell? It's a good lesson learned. Better she learns it from me.

Educationally,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"Today, the TSA has admitted that it was wrong to let its screeners strip search two elderly women last month. However, the screeners won't be punished because living with the memory of what they saw is punishment enough." ?Conan O'Brien



Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E , F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!



"During a campaign event Mitt Romney reached into his pocket and gave cash to a woman who said she was broke. Which got awkward, when she was like, 'I'm also lonely!'" ?Jimmy Fallon



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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in a buggy one cold blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother," My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, " Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes! Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies: "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"