Thursday, March 20, 2014

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Satan stopped me as I was heading out the door.

"You going to lunch?" she asked.

"If you're asking because you want to go with me then, no, I stopped eating food a long time ago."

"I'd rather eat with the Mongol Horde and be their love slave instead of eating with you," she fired back. "No, I need you to cash this check and give it to the girls who are going to Vegas for the product show tomorrow. They're going to need some money for expenses."

So I stopped at the bank, got the cash and gave it to the woman who is our EVP of something or other. She was talking to some guy near the office doorway.

"Here you go," I said handing her the stack of cash. "And next time, if you want this much again, I expect you to do a bunch of Kegel exercises. OK?"

She looked at me and the guy's jaw dropped open. I smiled.

She finally said, "TZ, I'd like you to meet Bob, my husband."

"Oh," I said reaching out and shaking his hand. "Very nice to meet you."

Tactfully,

TZ

Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: tz@gophercentral.com

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"Vladimir Putin signed a treaty this morning that formally absorbs Crimea into the Russian Federation. So if you felt bad because you didn't know where Crimea was, don't worry, it's gone." -Seth Meyers



Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"Sex." he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.

Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little Pal.

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."



"A model is suing Playboy after something went wrong with a stunt where someone hit a golf ball off her butt. Even worse, it was a photo shoot for an article about feminism." -Seth Meyers



Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

Mom, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his Pants off, then Aunt Jane...

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, Johnny , this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time? I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight. At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, I was at the Playground and I saw my Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a Big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.