Sunday, June 19, 2016
Greetings Laff Lovers,
I'm always the first person up in my house. I works out well because it's the only time I get any quiet time. I just can't stay up as late as my wife and kids so the mornings are mine particularly on the weekends when I'm not rushing out the door.
My 15 year-old son was the first to come down. After about 10 minutes a Father's Day commercial came on.
"Oh!" He said shocked. "Happy Father's Day!"
I looked at him a little sideways and said, "That's next Sunday."
He was embarrassed for about 10 seconds then went to raid the fridge.
My wife came down a little later. The Golf Channel runs a lot of Father's Day commercials, and after one began my wife asked me, "Is today Father's Day?"
I looked at her but my son jumped in and said, "Next week, Mom." Like he knew it all along.
Then my 20 year-old daughter and 18 year old daughter came down together. "Do we really have to watch golf?"
"I recorded it yesterday," I said. "It's almost over."
Then the same commercial came on.
"Oh my God!" they shrieked. "Is it Father's Day?"
This time both my son and my wife answered, "Next week."
"You know," I said calmly, "I was going to make a big breakfast and spoil you all with your favorites, but now you can all go fuck yourselves. I'm going golfing."
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"A new study shows that men who carry their cellphone in their pocket have a sperm count nearly 10 percent lower than those who don't. While men who keep their cellphone on a belt clip don't need to worry about it." -Seth Meyers
"You are suffering form what is technically known as an Electra Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient. "In other words, you are in love with your father."
The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.
"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad."
"Yes..(snif)...yes, it is," the blonde gets out between sobs. "I have no chance at all...he's a married man!"
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years." -Mark Twain
Reasons To Like Beer by 7 Year Olds
A handful of 7 year old children were asked, 'what they thought of beer.' Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.
7-year-old Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
7-year-old Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want On television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.
7-year-old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
7-year-old Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and The more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
7-year-old Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
7-year-old Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
7-year-old Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
7-year-old Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
7-year-old Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my daddy. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'