Thursday, June 30, 2016
Greetings Laff Lovers,
Seeing as how our 25 year wedding anniversary is upon us I thought it was a good time to finally bend to my wife's wishes to become less materialistic.
"Honey," I said, "you know how you're always saying that I have Champaign taste on a beer budget, but--"
"Stop right there, TZ. You're not squirreling out of buying me something extravagant for wast-- er, um, devoting the last 25 years of my life to you. Sorry, pal. It's payoff time and I'll save you the trouble of rubbing your few brain cells together and starting a fire: I want a ring. A big, honking diamond ring in a beautiful setting to replace the one you gave me that you got from your cousin. Capiche?"
"No honey and no nectar, I want a ring, TZ. That's all. I don't want a grill like you got for me on our 17th anniversary."
Shiiiiiiieeeet. I hosed myself. I already booked a trip for just the two of us in Niagara Falls and I didn't take the insurance. How the fuck am I going to afford both a ring and a trip?
"Give me some credit, will you? I appreciate the guidance you're giving me here..."
"It's not guidance, TZ. It's a map and the 'X' is on my ring finger."
"My Lord," I muttered.
"Prayer is good, TZ, but somehow I don't think you're at the top of His list."
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"A new porn site is donating a penny to charity each time someone watches one of their porn videos. So finally, a reason to watch porn." -Conan O'Brien
My wife informed me she had my funeral all planned out. She has picked out a deep mahogany casket. She will have me buried in a black suit with light blue shirt and my power red tie. A red scarf folded neatly into the breast pocket. I will have flowers in all the colors surrounding the casket. All my favorite songs will be sung by the church choir.
She asked me if I had planned her funeral.
I told her I was going to cremate her and toss her ashes into the warm Caribbean waters from the back of a singles cruise.
"An Oklahoma woman was arrested for attempting to have her kids blow into her car's breathalyzer so that she could drive drunk. Even worse, her kids failed." -Seth Meyers
A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in Race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third.
The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines, "Preacher's Ass shows"
The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said, "Preacher's Ass out in Front" The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The newspaper printed this headline, "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass". This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal.
The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read, "Nun has the Best Ass in Town"
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00.
The paper states, "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks"
They buried the Bishop the next day.