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Thursday, January 14, 2016

Greetings Laff Lovers,

So it looks like powerball fever is over. According to the news three people (or three tickets, at least) won last night, and none of them were the monkeys in this office.

Everybody threw some cash into a pool and you should have seen them jumping around and jabbering the last few days; like they were going to win one and-a-half billion.

How stupid can one collection of stiffs be? At odds of 292 million to 1 it's more likely that Clean Laffs Joe's wife is an actual woman (rather than a convincing post-op transsexual) than these 30 particular dumbasses would hit upon the $1.5 billion combination of numbers.

Of course, while I am intelligent, witty, handsome, charming and a sexual paragon, I am still human. So I admit I threw a twenty into the pot too. But I was under no delusion that we were going to win.

I did it more to indulge a fantasy, of sorts. Like a cheap thrill. It was like that time in Vegas when I paid a hooker 20 bucks for a handjob. And just like that handjob, playing the lottery was ultimately disappointing and a little bit painful.



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"A new study came out that found the more porn a man watches, the less motivation he has. I was going to read more about the study, but for some reason I just completely lost interest." -Conan O'Brien

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"

The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two pickets to Titsburgh'."

The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH.'"

"Boston Medical Center found that 15 percent of 2-year-olds in the Boston area drink as much as 4 ounces of coffee a day. The parents claim they give the kids coffee only when they need it, like when the kid wakes up with a hangover." -Jimmy Kimmel

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the home-owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

'Be strong. I love you, too!'

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