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Call me a pessimist, but I don't believe it.
The hipster stuff is wasted on me.
Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk.
Uh oh. I've lost my sense of taste.
I'm in the mood for a little role reversal this holiday.
There's two kinds of people in the world. I'm the other guy.
This season is all about bringing the world together.
There's off-color, and then there's just bad taste.
It's not harassment if she's into it.
Somebody's lying.
That's what you get for cheating.
The Thanksgiving chicken.
What I love about MILFs.
What would be the point of being married?
What are you going to do about it?
The spirit of Scrooge is alive and well in Great Britain.
'Work less, live longer.' No sh!+?
Pursuing your passion will only lead to despair.
The WRONG way to wear a face mask.
One of the biggest lies nobody ever talks about.
A rolling kidney stone gathers no moss.
I should be so lucky.
Don't let them call you Stinky anymore.
You have to know how to talk to people.
Joie de vivre.
To girls who m@sturba+e:
I am not cut out for retail.
How vegetables can move a man.
You know what p!sses me off?
Who thought midday shopping could be so much fun?
It's all part of my *ock and **lls fantasy?
Creative finance.
One of the advantages of being married.
I don't want to cuddle with anything I'm prepared to eat.
The lesser of two evils?
Oh, the things I'd do to a papaya.
If the goal isn't an 0rga$m, what's the point?
A bit of fun, Chicago trivia.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Racism, corruption, greed and Polish sausages.
Living in the past it makes it impossible to look toward the future.
This is what frustrated men have been waiting for.
The Leprechaun has got to go.
Psychosis may be a prerequisite for parenthood.
Men cannot get pregnant? Oh, really?
The readers respond in the usual fashion.
The first time Seattle has ever been a fun place to visit.
A gentleman always offers a helping hand.
A so-called 'fact' about women's br_@sts I'm not so sure about.
Sometimes it sucks being on the wagon.