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June 17, 2010
JEALOUSY IS JUSTIFIED WHEN WIFE DRINKS WITH 'THE BOYS'
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I disagreed with your advice to the
woman whose husband was upset about his wife going out for
drinks with her male co-workers. ("Pulled in Two in Pennsyl-
vania," April 2). We have been happily married for many
years, and neither she nor I feel comfortable with a female
employee going for drinks with mostly males.
Drinking can lower inhibitions. Many office affairs begin
in similar situations. In addition, no one should be driving
home after two or more drinks. Office parties or get-
togethers should not be held at bars. Employers can be held
responsible for a multitude of things that can happen after
these socials.
That woman's husband may be too protective or controlling,
but he is not out of line to be upset about the situation.
-- BOB IN LEWISVILLE, TEXAS
DEAR BOB: Thank you for your comments. I told "Pulled in Two"
that her husband appears to be insecure and can change only
if he's willing to own up to it. However, many readers felt
differently -- distinctly differently.
Read on:
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DEAR ABBY: As someone with a "jealous" husband, I beg to
differ. There is a positive definition of jealousy -- rightly
guarding what belongs to a person. This man may be guarding
the relationship he has with his wife. He may sense some
danger from her "friendly" and "happily married" co-workers
that she doesn't see. Although they have been married 16
years, it seems his jealousy arose only after she took this
job.
I speak from experience as someone who didn't realize I
had boundary issues with men. I thought I was just being
friendly, but my husband helped me understand where to draw
the line. In doing so, I have seen how much he values our
relationship and wants to protect it.
I am a college graduate and have worked in my profession
more than 25 years. I'm not a throwback to the days of male
domination. I appreciate my husband's concern and wisdom.
"Pulled" needs to find a way to put her marriage ahead of
having fun with her co-workers. Jobs come and go; a great
marriage can last a lifetime.
-- JO ANN IN GEORGIA
DEAR ABBY: Every company I have ever worked for invited
employee spouses to attend almost all after-work social
events. Only rarely, once or twice a year, may they have
had an employee-only function. I suspect "Pulled in Two"
enjoys the extra attention she is getting from her male co-
workers. Otherwise, I bet she could invite her husband.
-- BEEN THERE IN AZTEC, N.M.
DEAR ABBY: It does seem that the husband is insecure, but
there may be another explanation. Some of the most jealous
spouses I have witnessed were the ones who caroused the most.
Obviously, since they cannot be trusted, they project that
unwarranted lack of trust onto their mate.
-- ILENE IN CORPUS CHRISTI
DEAR ABBY: Any time social drinking is a part of a "work"
event, the opportunity for inappropriate behavior presents
itself. Many marriages have been ruined because of a
"mistake" or "I didn't mean it to happen -- it was the
alcohol."
If "Pulled" wants to go out drinking with male associates
rather than go home to her husband, she is taking the road
that leads away from a strong marriage. I faced that cross-
road many times throughout my life and have never once
regretted telling the ladies I couldn't join them because I
already had a commitment at home. The result has been 30
years of wedded bliss with no "mistakes."
-- JOHN IN THE SUNSHINE STATE
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
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