Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Good morning crew,

Last weekend I was forced to give the wife a lesson in home economics. It was early Sunday afternoon and we were getting ready to go to the store to do our grocery shopping for the week.

She had already spent her entire paycheck, and looking through my little cash envelope from the bank from when I cashed my last paycheck I counted $140.

Setting aside 20 bucks for gas money to get me through to next payday (which is today), I announced, "We've got 120 dollars for groceries. That should be enough. In fact, we could even stop at the local brew pub and relax for a few minutes with a beer, if you're interested."

Which she was. And 20 minutes later we were at the bar examining the beer selection. I don't know, but to me grocery shopping always seems a little more fun with a drink or two under my belt.

Anyway, we ordered two beers at $6 per beer (those craft beers are expensive!) and with a $2 tip we had only spent 14 bucks for a relaxing 20 minutes of peace and quiet.

In fact, the wife enjoyed the cool, quiet interior of the bar so much that she suggested we have a second round.

"I'm willing," I told her, "but we're going to be cutting into our grocery money."

"We'll be fine," she assured me.

So we had another round. In fact, we had two. It was early and the only responsibility we had all day was shopping.

Later, when we got to the store, I gave the wife the slip of paper with the grocery list on it and a pen.

"Mark down the price of everything!" I said, "We can't go over 80 bucks."

We spent about 45 minutes price comparing and crossing off non-essentials like Pop-Tarts, and Yummy biscuits for the dog, but when we reached 80 dollars there were still about a half dozen items still on the list.

"Well, that's it," I said, "the rest of this stuff will just have to wait."

"But I still need 'lady' razors and my tea tree oil infused, apricot and pomegranate exfoliating body wash."

I shrugged my shoulders, "Sorry, Hon. We could either have beer or apricot and pomegranate body wash. Personally I think we made the right choice. Just use shampoo. It's the same thing as body wash."

But I don't think the lesson stuck. Monday morning, after I left for work, she went back to the store and bought another 60 bucks worth of stuff and put it on her credit card.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"New research shows that China has a bigger middle class than America, and more people in China are living what we would call the 'American Dream.' That's when you know things are bad - when even the American DREAM is made in China." -Jimmy Fallon

***
"The NFL's Arizona Cardinals have launched a new competition where fans can win a team jersey and get their photo on the scoreboard if they eat a burger consisting of five patties, five hot dogs, five bratwursts, eight slices of bacon, eight chicken tenders, 12 ounces of fries, lettuce, pickles, sauce, and 20 slices of cheese in under an hour. Said one fan, 'Ugh, lettuce?'" -Seth Meyers

***
"Today two men dressed as Batman and Captain America tried to rob someone at a gas station. They're being charged with attempted robbery and mixing Marvel with DC." -Conan O'Brien

***
I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home, and I took my computer down to the bar to do some work. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, "What's the wifi password?"

Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first."

Me: "Okay, I'll have a beer."

Bartender: "We have Molsons Canadian on tap."

Me: "Sure. How much is that?"

Bartender: "$8.00."

Me: "Ok. Here you are. What's the wifi password"

Bartender: "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst, no spaces and all lowercase."




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Hank?" the others asked.

"Hank had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Hank layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they asked.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one's gonna steal Hank!"