Thursday, August 2, 2018
Greetings Laff Lovers,
Payday was only yesterday and my check is already spent. That's what I get for having a wife and kids.
Anyway, Lewis and I were heading out to lunch earlier.
"Hey, do you have change for a hundred dollar bill?" I asked as we drove to the restaurant.
"I think I do," he said pulling a wad of bills out of his pocket. "Here," he said handing me five twenties.
"Great, thanks," I said pocketing the money. "I'll give you the hundred next week."
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"Today, in case you don't have a fun calendar in your house that tells you this sort of thing, we celebrate not just one, but two important holidays. Today is National Tequila Day. A day on which if you have too much fun you might do something you regret. It's also National Cousins Day today, where if you have too much fun you might do something you really regret." -Jimmy Kimmel
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids to help them out a bit. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championships and are favored to win the national competition easily.
Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. I'm starting to grow hair where I never had it before."
"What?" the coach says in a panic, "Where are you growing hair?"
She replies, "On my balls."
"According to Fox News, Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, is being paid $250,000 to join the cast of MTV's 'Teen Mom.' You hear that, teens? Having a baby pays!" -Seth Meyers
Beer Vs. Pussy
A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
A beer tastes terrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, you will get divorced.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.