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Monday, July 30, 2018

Good morning crew,

The kids at the Dunking Doughnuts are confusing me again. I was standing in line there the other morning when the young girl at the register asked me, "Do you have any drinks?"

It wasn't my turn, but frequently, if there is a line, the cashier will jump ahead to the next person to get their order started while the person at the register is paying.

Personally I appreciate this system since standing in line is one of the things I truly hate in this world.

Anyway, she asked me if I have any drinks, and looking down at the crumpled up 5 dollar bill in my hand I answered, "No, I don't have any drinks."

So the guy in front of me finished paying, got his coffee and left, and when I stepped up to the register the girl asked me, "What would you like?"

I said, "I'll have a coffee with cream and sugar."

She gave me an exasperated snort and said, "Didn't you just say you don't have any drinks?"

I explained her, "I don't have any drinks. YOU have all the drinks. I have money. When I give it to you then I'll have a drink. If I already had a drink I wouldn't be in here standing in a line."

She just stared at me for a few seconds with a look like a cocker spaniel gives you when you ask her who made a mess on the carpet. And since I could already feel the people in line behind me fidgeted impatiently I relented and asked again meekly, "Can I just have a coffee, please?"

But this degradation of the language is worrying me. I'm afraid eventually I won't be able to understand anything anybody says to me anymore.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Researchers have published a letter from a Harvard student in 1743 asking his parents for money. On the bright side, just this year his student loans were finally paid off." -Conan O'Brien

***

"Indonesia's anti-drug chief is proposing that the country put narcotics offenders in a jail on an island surrounded by crocodiles. The plan is to send the inmates food supplies every day but they will have to survive on their own. This already sounds like a reality TV show I would totally watch." -James Corden

***

"New research has found that contrary to popular belief, it could be beneficial for women to eat and drink while in labor. Though I don't think the other people in the restaurant would be too happy about it." -Seth Meyers

***

In order to make the world a better place, the following rules will take immediate effect across the planet.

1. It is no longer permitted to be stupid and slow. You must choose one or the other.

2. If in the course of parking your car you are not able to maneuver the vehicle into a space in less time than it takes to undergo and recover from open heart surgery, it is not permitted to park in that space.

3. If you are waiting for an elevator that is slow to come and you are the sort of person who pushes the call button repeatedly in the belief that it will make a difference, you are no longer permitted to use elevators.

4. Boxes of Christmas cards that carry messages like "May your holidays be wrapped in warmth and touched with wonder" must bear a label on the outside of the box saying: "Do Not Purchase - Message Inside Is Embarrassing and Sentimental."

5. In office buildings and retail premises in which entry is through double doors and one of those doors is locked for no reason, the door must bear a large sign saying: "This Door Is Locked for No Reason."

6. Liver and goat cheese will no longer be regarded as foods. In fancy restaurants, salads may no longer contain anything that can be found growing at the side of any public highway.

7. When standing in line at a retail establishment, it is not permitted to engage the sales assistant in conversation regarding the weather, the health or personal relationships of mutual acquaintances or other matters not relevant to the purchase.

7a. Anyone who reaches the front of a line and says, "Now what do I want?" and purses his lips thoughtfully or drums his fingers on his chin while studying the ordering options as if for the first time will be taken outside and shot.

8. Any electronic clock on which the time is set by holding down a button and scrolling laboriously through the minutes and hours is illegal. Also, when you are trying to set the alarm for, say, 7:00 a.m. and the numbers get to about 6:52 and then suddenly speed up and you discover that you have gone past the desired hour and have to start all over, that is extremely illegal.

9. All Americans will appreciate irony. Britons will understand that two ice cubes in a drink is not nearly enough.


[This list was written by Bill Bryson in his book I'M A STRANGER HERE MYSELF. The original list contained several other items, but that would have made it too long for publication here, and to tell you the truth the other items weren't really that funny anyway.]




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

SOMETIMES...

Sometimes...
when you cry,
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...
when you are in pain,
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...
when you are worried,
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes...
when you are happy,
no one sees your smile.

But fart just ONE TIME!