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Friday, July 13, 2018

Good morning crew,

Oh no! It's Friday the 13th. You know what that means? Only two days until Monday.

But if you are superstitious you might want to stay off the streets as much as possible today to avoid the bad luck notoriously associated with this innocent day.

I, myself, am not superstitious, but I'm not taking any chances. Right after work I am going to lock myself in the house with a case of beer and order a pizza.

Better safe than sorry, you know.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"The Federal Communications Commission, now that they did away with net neutrality, they had another terrible idea. The FCC is considering a plan that would require U.S. citizens to pay $225 to make a complaint. So if you're mad about how high your cable bill is, soon you can pay the government $225 to complain about it. Boy, they really have their fingers on our pulse, don't they?" -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"A new study found that a growing number of parents regret the name they gave their baby. They actually have a name for those parents: 'celebrities.'" -Jimmy Fallon

***

"In Michigan, a man was too drunk to drive, so he had his 9-year-old daughter drive their van for him. Yeah. As he was being arrested, he told the girl, 'I'm going to need a lawyer. Go get your little brother.'" -Conan O'Brien

***

Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time.

"Nonsense," I said, inconsolable. "Men are good for only one thing!"

"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park?"




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." And, following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."