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Friday, May 18, 2018

Good morning crew,

Who remembers those butterfly knives that used to be real popular a few decades ago? Sometimes they're called Balisong knives. The blade is hidden in the handle which you open by flipping it apart, around, and back on itself again with a couple quick flicks of your wrist.

When I was a kid everybody wanted one because kids are stupid and they like to be in possession of dangerous things. But they were practically impossible to get. There were all sorts of restrictions on their sale and possession.

Then a small miracle happened. When I was 14, or 15, or 16, I don't remember exactly, but I was at a flea market and I stumbled upon a vendor who was selling all sorts of stupid martial arts paraphernalia; like those worthless chrome-plated ninja throwing stars, rubber nunchucks, and wooden samurai swords that were always warped. But wonder of wonders, in a glass case he had a selection of butterfly knives. And they weren't plastic or rubber either, but real, heavy, stainless steel knives.

Flea markets being what they are, the vendor didn't ask too many questions when I handed over a crumpled up wad of bills and 2 minutes later I walked out of the place with that coveted weapon secreted in my pants pocket.

I had to hide it from my parents, but I practiced with that thing for hours. It was dangerous work, too. If you hold it wrong, the blade lands right across your fingers when you flip it around. If my mother wondered why I was suddenly wearing bandaids around all my fingers she never asked.

Eventually I got pretty good at it, but I never had an opportunity to fight off a gang of ninjas with it. So for all these years all of that pain and effort was wasted, until earlier this week.

Recently we picked up a new product for our online store at www.pulsetv.com. It is a butterfly bottle opener. I kid you not. It is exactly like a butterfly knife, but instead of a blade the handle hides a bottle opener.

So our media guy, Zack, wanted to make a video for the product, but nobody knew how to use it. So he stood up and announced to the office, "Does anybody know how to use one of these things?"

It only took 30 years, but I finally got to put my skills to use. Click on the link below to check out check out the product, and my ninja skills.

The Butterfly Bottle Opener

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A growing number of people are going to e-sport arenas to watch other people play video games. It combines the thrill of going to a live sporting event with the thrill of having an unemployed roommate." -Jimmy Fallon

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"Papa John's has started selling extra-large jugs of its signature garlic sauce. Each jug of garlic sauce is 8 pounds and costs $20. But Papa John's says it's a lifetime supply. Because you're not expected to survive long enough to need a second jug." -James Corden

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"Scientists claim to have succeeded transplanting a memory from the brain of one sea snail and implanting it into another. Or, more likely, all snails live pretty similar lives." -Seth Meyers

***

Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.

When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said. "It's my old Plymouth!"




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, "Me and Janie next door are gonna get married!"

"Oh?" says the mother, amused. "And how old is Janie?"

"Six," replies the boy.

"Well," says the father, "what are you going to do for money?"

"I get 5 dollars a week allowance," says the son, "and Janie gets 2. We figured that if we put them together, we'll be okay."

"I see," says the father. "But what are you going to do if you have any children?"

"Well," says the boy, "so far we've been lucky."

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