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Monday, May 14, 2018

Good morning crew,

I told the wife three weeks ago when those ducks started building a nest in the backyard that we should destroy it, but nobody listens to me.

Now, not only is mamma duck sitting on at least a half dozen eggs, but her example has attracted even more wildlife. Last week I discovered that a robin (at least I think it's a robin) has built a nest in the gutter of the garage, and just last Friday I saw a rabbit digging a cozy little burrow by the back fence.

Our yard is turning into a Disney movie. If these pests start singing and dancing I'm getting the shotgun out.

I would have done something about it myself, but I made the mistake of naming the duck. I didn't mean to, it just kind of happened. And now I can't get rid of it.

At first I started calling it Peter Billingsley, but then it occurred to me that the duck must be female. So now I just call her Duckworth.

The rabbit I think I'm going to call 'Dinner'.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A woman in Colorado was cited for property damage after she used a 7-Eleven microwave to heat up a urine sample, and it exploded. The 7-Eleven owner was like, 'Lady, if you wanted hot urine, you could've just poured yourself a coffee.'" -Jimmy Fallon

***

"A New Hampshire man who went hiking and was reported missing by his wife now owes the government thousands of dollars for the search effort, because when they found him, he had been staying in a luxury hotel. He has to pay thousands of dollars - and that's just for eating the macadamia nuts from the mini-bar." -James Corden

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"Einstein Bros. Bagels shop is now serving mac and cheese bagels. So if you love bagels, and you love mac and cheese, I hope you have a great personality." -Seth Meyers

***

A man just returned from traveling around the USA for a year. He had a lot of stories to tell. Here is one of them.

It seems he was looking for a bank and stopped to ask directions. The man he asked replied "Just drive down this road about 5 miles and then turn left at the Stop n Go."

He drove 5 miles, then 6, then 7. At about 10 miles down he stopped for directions again. The man he asked replied, "Just go back down this road about 5 miles and turn right at the Stop n Go"

He headed out again but still had no luck. When he got back to where he had started he stopped again. When he asked for directions the answer was exactly the same. This time Jim asked, "Could you describe the Stop n Go for me?" The man gave him a funny look and said "It's on a pole. It's got a red light on the top, a Green light on the bottom..."




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my father's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father is still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning. That's why he's still alive, he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married last night."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer shot back, "Who said he wanted to?"

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