Subscribe to CLEAN LAFFS
Subscibe to DEAL OF THE DAY

Friday, May 11, 2018

Good morning crew,

What do you know? This is the first weekend in months that I will finally have the free time to get some projects done, and it's going to rain all weekend.

Well, I guess I have no choice but to sit inside all weekend and drink a case of beer.

Laugh it up,


P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives

"Today is National Teacher Appreciation Day. It's the one day each year when we tell our teachers that there's no one we're prouder of, and our teachers are like, 'There's no one OF WHOM you're prouder.'" -Jimmy Fallon


"Facebook is adding a new feature that will allow people to use Facebook as an online dating app. I'm not sure Facebook understands why we use Facebook. Facebook isn't for finding dates; it's for finding people we used to date. Then we silently judge them, feel better about ourselves. That's the only use for Facebook." -James Corden


"In a new interview, billionaire Warren Buffett called Bitcoin 'rat poison.' Which is an unfair comparison because people actually understand how rat poison works." -Conan O'Brien


Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right--only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.

One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away from you?"