Subscribe to CLEAN LAFFS
Subscibe to DEAL OF THE DAY

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Good morning crew,

A couple weeks ago the wife announced that our backyard had been invaded by a pair of ducks. Now, there is a retention pond on the other side of our street, more like a drainage ditch that collects runoff, oil leaks and antifreeze from Rt. 43, but there is no standing water in our yard. Not even a bird bath. So it is a little odd that wild ducks would choose to hang out back there. But I didn't think too much of it.

But then the next week the wife emailed me to say that the ducks had built a nest underneath a bush next to the house and laid an egg.

"Destroy it!" I told her right away. "The last thing we need is a family of ducks in the backyard."

"I can't destroy it," she answered immediately. "She already laid an egg!"

"Exactly," I wrote back. "Destroying it now is no worse than making an omelet, but if you let them get comfortable back there in 5 or 6 weeks we're going to have a half dozen fuzzy, little baby ducks waddling around the yard. Then what are you going to do?"

She had obviously been thinking about this contingency.

"We'll put up a little fence for them, and we'll feed them, and put out the baby pool so they can learn to swim, and we'll watch them grow and it'll be just like having a petting zoo in the backyard!"

"Or, we'll have to smash them with a brick to keep them from crapping all over the lawn and attracting everything from coyotes to hawks to the yard."

Needless to say that was the wrong response. So now it looks like we have a duck farm in the backyard. The only thing I have to say is if that momma duck attacks me at 6:30 in the morning when I'm walking out to the garage she's going to end up in the roasting pan. I swear.

If you go to the Clean Laffs Facebook page you can see a video the wife took of little Mini making our new housemates welcome.

Click: Clean Laffs Facebook page.

Laugh it up,


P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives

"In Florida, an 87-year-old man has donated 100 gallons of blood throughout his lifetime. And the weird thing is, only half of it is his." -Conan O'Brien


"Today, Prince William and Kate Middleton welcomed their third child, a baby boy. A lot of people were betting on the name of the new royal baby. And those people have a name too--they're called gambling addicts." -Jimmy Fallon


"A Colorado woman was given an apple on her flight home from Paris, she put it in her bag and forgot about it, and now she's facing a $500 fine for not declaring it at customs. I'd be suspicious of this woman, too. I mean, who eats an apple at the airport when there's a Cinnabon right there?" -James Corden


During the banquet celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" an anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room.

Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-restraint, meekness, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't need if you had stayed single."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.

We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"

My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."