Thursday, April 5, 2018
Greetings Laff Lovers,
There is a relatively recent trend of people bringing so-called emotional support animals into public places, like public transportation. Unlike service animals like seeing eye dogs, these emotional support animals are supposed to calm down and enable people with conditions like anxiety, depression, paranoia and nervousness. In other words; people.
And also unlike actual service animals, which are almost always dogs, emotional support animals can be pretty much anything.
Just a couple months ago there was a story in Bizarre News about a woman who wanted to bring her emotional support peacock onto an airplane!
You can click here if you want to read that story
Today I read a story about the next evolution of this little social phenomenon. Emotional support animals in courtrooms. Apparently court rooms can be very stressful places and witnesses under examination feel more relaxed when they have a little puppy to cuddle. Or maybe a soft blankey.
I've been in a courtroom before. And you know what? Courtrooms are supposed to be stressful. It's not a therapy session in there. But if I ever find myself in a courtroom again, I suppose I'm not too proud to take advantage of this new codicil of American jurisprudence.
If I ever find myself in a courtroom again the emotional support animal I want is a chicken. Specifically the wings. I want a big plate of deep fried emotional support chicken wings. With bleu cheese dressing on the side. I guarantee it'll make me feel a lot better about the experience.
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"Ireland will be opening its first nude beach this April. And in May, Ireland will be closing its first nude beach." -Conan O'Brien
A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final.
I laughed, "What? Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."
"Today the Yankees had to postpone their home opener because of a snowstorm. You can tell it was cold because the foot-long hot dogs were only five inches." -Jimmy Fallon
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses."