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Monday, April 2, 2018

Good morning crew,

I keep burning myself and I am developing quite a little collection of scars all over my hands. I guess it's a natural consequence of having a fireplace.

I've never really looked, but I bet you can identify a person with a fireplace by the angry red scars all over his fingers.

The reason I mention it is because yesterday afternoon, after our Easter meal (I'll tell you about that later), the wife coaxed her parents down into the basement where we built a cozy little fire that I immediately burned myself with.

Now I have a puffy white blister about the size of a dime on my left index finger. And when it heals in a week or so it will match the dime-sized red welt I have on my middle finger.

I suppose maybe I wouldn't have been so careless if I didn't have most of a bottle of wine under my belt at the time. But who builds a fire sober? Where's the fun in that?

If you're going to be putting your hands inside a stone box filled with a roaring, crackling fire, you want to disable your finer motor skills as much as possible. Make it a challenge.

Laugh it up,


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"A balloon released by a girl in Texas was found this week over 900 miles away in Ohio. Or, more likely, Ohio also has red balloons." -Seth Meyers


"Chipotle is considering opening a new restaurant that specializes in hamburgers. After what their burritos did, Chipotle now wants to ruin a new set of buns." -Jimmy Fallon


"A controversial 1,200-year-old document has been found that shows evidence that Jesus was married. I don't believe it. What married guy gets to spend all his free time with his 12 buddies?" -Conan O'Brien


A priest had the weight of the world on his shoulders and was showing the effects. The church sent him to a psychiatrist, who ordered him to take a week off. So the priest left his religious paraphernalia behind him and went to a neighboring city. He got himself a nice room and went to the hotel bar to relax with a couple stiff drinks.

A waitress in a short skirt and low-cut uniform came over and asked, "What'll it be, Father?"

The priest felt to see if he was still wearing his collar by mistake, but he had none on.

"How did you know I'm a priest?" he asked.

The waitress said, "I'm Sister Mary Margaret. We go to the same psychiatrist!"

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until Last week, I still had it all! All my meals were prepared for me, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school."

I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"No, nothing like that," he said. "I got out of prison."