Friday, March 16, 2018
Good morning crew,
It's the big St. Patrick's Day weekend, complete with a parade on Sunday. I'm getting tired just thinking about all of the partying over the next two days.
I suppose I could just stay home and save myself a bit of money and a lot of inevitable regret.
But then again, what other time of year can you get green beer?
Laugh it up,
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"A nightclub in Miami has lost its business license after a woman brought a horse onto the dance floor. In the nightclub's defense, the horse's ID looked real." -Conan O'Brien
"Every appliance with a clock should have a Daylight Savings button to push. You'd only use it twice a year, but that's more than I use the 'Potato' button on my microwave." -Jimmy Kimmel
"It's Daylight Savings Time. Why does it have to happen on the weekend? Why can't they do it on a Wednesday at 4:00? 'Hey look, now it's 5:00. Time to go home!'"-Stephen Colbert
Walking home one night, this guy hears a, "Psst! Psst!-give me a hand with this pig would you?"
Looking into the shadows the guy sees his neighbor holding onto a restless and agitated pig. "What are you planning to do with that?" he asks.
"I'm carrying it indoors and putting in the bath tub."
"Why do you wanna' do a thing like that?"
"Well, you see, it's my wife. She is one of those women who knows EVERYTHING! I tell her that the price of petrol has shot up again...she says I know! I tell her there is more trouble in the East again ... she says I know! I tell her Francis down the street is getting a divorce and she knows that, too. Well, tomorrow morning, since she always gets up before me, I'll wait for her to come running to me screaming 'THERE'S A PIG IN THE BATH! THERE'S A PIG IN BATH!'"
And I'll just turn to her and say, "Yeah, I know!"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
Signs of the times
SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE:
"We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you."
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."